December 2, 2021

Spotter Up

In Depth Tactical Solutions

The Dark Night of the Soul Part 3: De profundis clamavi ad te domine.

3 min read

I can’t walk any further; it feels like I have been walking for weeks now. My eyes are strained trying to find that crack of dawn light dividing the horizon. The morning still has not come, why? Darkness all around.  Darkness, throughout the corridors of discontent of my heart and my soul. Just keep walking I tell myself, it will get bright soon, surely it will. Look to the horizon and keep going. The horizon is gone, just darkness. I can’t even tell the difference between the sky and earth now, it is endlessly dark. Tired and sore, I know if I stop I may never start again. I walk for what seems like another couple of days at least. I am not going to let this darkness beat me. Still carrying the weighted pack filled with all of the words I couldn’t say, I finally grind to a halt. I cannot continue into this everlasting darkness.

Instead of taking a knee I fall to both. The weight of my pack almost pushes me onto my face and into the hot sand. Silence…  I call out… nobody can hear me. I regret the times perhaps when I had the opportunity to be heard. Now nobody can hear me, I am a prisoner of my own thoughts. Nobody is coming. I wonder if somebody was to answer now what would I say to them. I am undecided and unsure; would I even want to carry on if I knew where I was going? Why don’t I know where I am going? I have no realness; I am now still, stagnant, fading out.

More time passes and I sink further into the depths, a sinking feeling. Kneeling here, drowning in my own darkness…. The burden of my pack dragging me downwards faster and faster. How did I get here? My demons are all around, dancing, some of them laughing at me. Demons I found hard to let go of because often they held me when no one else would. I didn’t think it could get any darker but it has. I cannot see the demons anymore, just hear their shrill laughter and occasionally feel them brushing past me, pushing me further downwards. I am screaming now but it feels reminiscent of screaming in a dream, in your head the sound is violently loud but when you wake everyone around you is still sleeping. Nobody can hear you screaming in a dream except for yourself. I wish this was a dream. Maybe I could wake up, but it’s not, it is a living nightmare.

I am past shoulder depth now and my pack is pulling me backwards and downward. I can no longer hear my demons dancing or laughing. I imagine they have just surrounded me now, watching me sink, inch by inch. I regret stopping now but I couldn’t have continued any longer, not knowing where I was going. I hold my arms up and try to wrestle myself from the sand, to no avail I slip further. What is the point anyway I tell myself, I am a lost cause, beyond saving. No I can feel the warm sand touching my chin; It appears I have time for one last breath. Maybe I can take a big breath in and hope for the best as I go under, delaying the inevitable for maybe a little while longer but I will eventually run out of oxygen. Instinctively fill my slowly compressing lungs with one last breath and lift my hands towards the sky…

 

Out of the depths, I have cried to you oh lord…

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