Sun. Sep 15th, 2019

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In Depth Tactical Solutions

The Malibu Beach Beat Down featuring Max Mullen

9 min read

One sunny afternoon down on Malibu Beach California, MSG Mad Max Mullen met up with two beautiful hot California Beach babes a salt & pepper combo. These hot chicks were eyeing him the moment he stepped foot on the beach. But little did he know that in a few minutes his day is about to go from good to bad…south in a hand basket: While the girls were helping Max take off his body armor, suddenly two surfer dudes appeared highly pissed off and itching for a fight. But little did these punks know they were about to get the beat down of their life down on Malibu Beach. In what would go down in history as the infamous…”Malibu Beach beat down”:

Ken: Dude what the heck is going on?

Jamal: What are you doing with our girlfriends?

Max: Step back players… I ain’t looking for no trouble.

Ken: Well dude you came to the wrong beach outsiders are not welcome. So get to stepping Ranger dude!

Jamal: Yea, dude you got a lot of nerve mess with our hot beach babes. Ranger dude!

Ken: Yea, let’s see how tuff the Ranger dude is, we used to beat up Navy SEALs down on this beach!

Max: You better watch your mouth sunshine. I have a lot of Navy SEAL buddies, and you are about two seconds from getting cracked upside the head!

Max: Look guys, I don’t want any trouble I’m just sitting here talking to these two lovely ladies. I didn’t know they had B-O-Y Friends! They didn’t seem the type that would talk to boys.

Nikki: Jamal, you need to stop embarrassing yourself and start stepping before this gets ugly.

Jamal: Shut up skank, and go get in the car I’ll deal with you later after kicking some Ranger butt!

Nikki: Oh heck no, I know you didn’t call me a skank!

Barbie: You’re a creep Jamal!

Ken: while you are running off at the mouth Barbie you need to get your butt to the car and zip it! Don’t forget who paid for the Botox, nails, and lipo!

Jamal: And yea Nikki just don’t forget who paid for that weave in your hair and the V.I.P. sky box at the Beyoncé concert and the season court side seats at the Laker games.

Nikki: Barbie, you’re going to let him talk to you like that girlfriend… and disrespect you?

Barbie: He’s just acting like a jerk; he’s not even worth it. Let’s go girlfriend.

Max: I think you punks owe the young ladies an apology! Rangers are gentlemen and treat women with dignity and respect it’s called manners. Something you boys need a lesson in.

Barbie: Look Ken, Jamal! Don’t mess with Max he’s just talking minding his own business. So back off!

Nikki: Yea, Jamal you need to back off and stop tripping. You need to take a chill pill and chill the hell out.

Ken: Whats wrong, big Ranger can’t talk for himself? Gotta hide behind our girl friends big boy?

Max: Look, for one thing I ain’t cha boy, Frat boy! Why don’t you and your lap dog buddy go suck on a couple of brews or something. And just go on and mind your own business before someone gets hurt.

Ken: Yea, right old man, you need to throw your “Berry White” 8 Track in on your long drive back to Atlanta that’s after we kick your butt… hahahahahahaha

Max: what did you say punk?

Jamal: You heard him Ranger dude, I didn’t hear him stutter? Hahahahaha!

Ken: Dude, we are going to teach you a lesson about coming down here to Malibu Beach messing with our chicks.  

Max: Alright boys…. or should I say you punks. I tried to warn you, now you are about to get some serious hurt put on you. I’m going to teach you surfer dudes some manners in good ol southern hospitality.

Ken: Yea, you and what Army Ranger dude? Me, and my buddy Jamal are going to beat your butt all the way back to the ATL and send you back on a surf board. Surfs up dude,you are about to take a ride on the big wave. But first let me put on my cool Oakley sunglasses while I kick your butt in style… surfs up dude because here it comes.

Jamal: Yea, dude here it comes cowwabunga!

Ken: Hey… what theeeee !!!!!! Hey dude! “POW!”
Ken: Ouch! “STOMP”!!!!

Max: Eat some boot leather frat boy!

Ken: Dude, you broke my Oakleys!

Max: That ain’t all I’m going to break, I’m about to snap some boot off in your…

Jamal: Hey dude take it easy, Oh snap!

Max: Eat a knuckle sandwich wimp, while I knock that cheese eating smile off your face!

Janal: Stop please, stop!

Max: I didn’t want this fight, you left me no choice. Now you got to Cowboy up! Yippe, ya, yae cowboy!

Jamal: Oh my Godddddd, please no more I’m sorry, I take it all back!

Max: You should have thought about that punk before you open your mouth!

Jamal: Hey dude whats your…”KA-POW”!

Max: It’s called an attitude adjustment!

Jamal: Please no more,I just had my teeth whiten and cleaned! !

Max: This is only going to hurt for a little… while, nite, nite… lights out Punk!

Max: Ohhhhhh…. heck no where you going punk? I ain’t finish with that butt yet… you better start praying because you are about to meet the maker.
Max: Dang surfer dudes! Look yawl, I didn’t want this fight. I just came down here to visit some friends and catch some rays. I’m a peaceful man who was just minding his own business. But trouble came a knocking on my door and I closed it.
Suddenly two friends of Max Tango Hunter, and Ranger G.I. Joe, came strolling up to see what the commotion was all about.”:

Tango: Yo Max, what’s up, whats the word?

Max: Awwww, nothing, was just chilling out with some ladies when these surfer punks came starting some trouble. I took care of it.

Joe: You know we got your back. You save some for us? Oh by the way I got a slot to HALO school and after that Pre-Scuba!

Max: Yea, help yourself. Congratulations Joe on the school slots and you need to check out the Tactical Milsim website I just posted an awesome Pre-scuba workout. And while you are at it you need to pick up this month Tactical Milsim magazine. And check out our web site

Tango: Oh snap it’s on; I’m going to show those boys how we do it down in Tampa!

Joe: Yea, Rangers Lead the Way! Lets teach these Surfer, Frat boys a lesson.

Ken: Look dudes we don’t want any more trouble my dad works for President Obama!

Max: So what, I didn’t vote for him… relax I’m not going to mess with you, I had my fun. But my two friends here want to have a little prayer meeting with you, while I take up the offering.

Jamal: Hey, dude…come on bro. ham… let’s talk about this. You guys need to take it easy… or I’ll tell my buddies …“The Situation” and “JWOWW” from Jersey shores… you guys are giving us a hard time.!

Tango: What did you call me…Bro. Ham? Situation? JWOWW??? Are you serious? Bro Ham this punk!!

Joe: Yea, time to open up a can of whip a– Hooooah! let’s get some!

Ken; Look… dudes…please man… lets talk about this… you can have our girlfriends, I got some money… we didn’t mean any harm! Hey I can talk to my dad and we can go to the White House and drinks some brews, have a beer summit with my dad and President Obama.

Max: Nawwww, that’s ok I don’t drink!

Jamal: yea, come on dude… why can’t we all just get along? My dad’s a lawyer!

Jamal: Dude… please no more… Hey I know you! You’re Tango from the hit VH-1 Show…”I love New York”! Can I get your autograph after you beat me down?

Tango: New York this punk! Nobody messes with my friend Max! I’ll autograph your fore head with my knuckles. How do you spell your name… J-A-M-A-L?

Max: Spank that a** good Tango!

Jamal: Dude we got to stop this black on black crime!

Tango: Trying to play the race card on me? Let’s just call it equal an opportunity beat down Tampa style.

Joe: Kick that butt Tango!

Max: Tango…Tango… cut the dude some slack… he’s had enough.

Tango: Getting soft on us Max?

Jamal: Sniff, sniff, sniff…dude you hurt me waaaaa! What kind of brother are you?

Tango: A brother who don’t like Trouble making surfer dudes who go around starting trouble. Hey by the way you can write a check to your local animal shelter for abused animals.

Max: Yea, I feel sorry for the gutless wonder… he can talk all that smack, but can’t back it up like a man. Hmmmm, Metrosexual wimps!

Joe: Hey, and while you are at it make sure you make a donation to the “Special Operations Warrior Foundation” and The Haitian Earthquake relief fund.

Joe: Hey where ya going Frat boy? Trying to catch a surf out? I ain’t forgot about you!

Joe: Let me help you up, give me your hand.

Ken: Thanks dude…

Joe: NOT! “BAM” Oooooops, so sorry!

Ken: Dude you kicked me… thats not fair!

Joe: Yea, I know, life’s not fair.. hahahahaha! Suck it up and take it like a man.

Ken: Hey!

Tango: Oooops, my bad!

Ken: Help somebody get this dude off of me!!! Jamal help!

Tango: Be still while I rearrange your face… you got a pimple… right…”whack, whack, whack…”… here!

Max: Jamal, can’t save you now… you better start saying your prayers!

Max: Thanks Tango, Joe, for having my back.

Tango: Hey that’s what friends are for… when you coming down to Tampa to hang out and pump some iron?

Joe: You know I got your back Ranger Buddy, reminds me of the days back in good ol Columbus, Georgia.

Max: I’ll call your manager Chanel up and see what your schedules like.

Tango: Cool…watch your back Max… word on the street is this gang called the Bratz boy’s are looking for you.

Max: Well they know where to find me.

Back at the parking lot at Malibu Beach:

Nikki: Max is the man you go Ranger!

Barbie: Heck we can have a Jihad right here… hey let’s go back to my Malibu pad and fire up the hot tub and grill up some stakes. You can invite your Ranger buddy Joe and that fine Tango Hunter over.

Max: Wish I could but there is work to be done, got to hit the gym, maybe next time girls.

Barbie: Awwwwwwwww…!

Nikke: You ain’t right Max!

Max: Life ain’t right…Lol!

Barbie: Now don’t forget to please make a donation to the “Special Operations Warrior Foundation” it’s a good cause, the donations help a lot of our Spec Op soldiers warriors families who died in the war. Go to to make your donation.

Nikki: And please give a donation to your local prevent Animal cruelty foundation and pet adoption agency.

Max: And remember Boys and Girls I don’t condone violence… but you have every right to defend yourself. And please join the National Rifleman’s Association (NRA). Protect your gun rights before they get taken away.

To be continued… next “Enter the Bratz”… Lol!



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