I have intimately known the depths of despair, darkness, brokenness, helplessness, torn, confused, begging God to take me because I am too much of a coward to take myself.

To walk and live and breathe, my pulse the only difference between a corpse. Dead inside and to life, cut off, distant and isolated. A self inflicted punishment and jail cell. Trapped inside my self, peering out the window of my body as I see this broken man that is not me ruin my life’s work, all that I fought and  bled for, cried for, loved, and built with my hands. Helpless to the horror show, as watching a movie unfolds screaming for them to not open that door, don’t make that choice, don’t make that mistake, don’t ruin your life.

So was my fate, to one day wake and as if the aftermath of a hurricane or shelled out city in war, so was I to walk among the rubble of my life. Now to live, one nail and hammer at a time rebuilding all I lost, one piece of trash at a time to clear the debris of my own destruction, one thing at a time, one breath, one sleep, one wake, as to not be overwhelmed by the vastness of its rubbled destruction…

But I shall not be angry, I shall not be bitter, I shall not be cold, I shall not take on the burden of a man I once was but I am not. I am whole and healed, clear of mind and understanding; when the worlds critics stand in wonder and mock how I stand up, tall, with my head blooded but unbowed, shoulders back and peace upon my face…

And when they look upon me and say: “look at you, how, why don’t you die and give up.” I shall say ….

“Oh…But, I LOVE.”

*The views and opinions expressed on this website are solely those of the original authors and contributors. These views and opinions do not necessarily represent those of Spotter Up Magazine, the administrative staff, and/or any/all contributors to this site.

By Jordan Laird

Former Chief Scout, Staff Non-Commissioned Officer, Platoon Commander, Pre-Sniper Instructor, Infantry Squad Leader, Infantryman and Scout Sniper in the U.S. Marine Corps. Serving with: 2nd Btn. 23rd Mar. • 3rd Btn 25th Mar. 2nd Btn 5th Mar. • 3rd Btn 5th Mar. After leaving the Corps, he became a private contractor working both over seas and in country, as a DDM (Designated Defensive Marksman) and WPPS instructor in CQC, CQB, Weapons and Tactics, Land Navigation, S.E.R.E techniques and more. This opened the door for opportunities, that led to his recruitment as an operator in a CSOT (Contingency Special Operations Team.) Again working as an instructor and operator, both in the states and overseas in austere environments. He finished his career in the tactical community as a Special Weapons And Tactics Instructor for the coveted DOE Courier program, teaching advanced marksmanship, tactics, and more.

One thought on “The Awakening: A personal dissertation of living life after a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury)”
  1. All experiences comprise the depth of who we are. Lack of experience delivers subcutaneous depth that is fickle and devoid of passion. If it were all bunny rabbits and roses, one is completely unprepared for any course deviation. I have grown to appreciate the darkest days of my life, as they provided perspective. This perspective enables me to savor the rest.

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