January 19, 2021

Spotter Up

In Depth Tactical Solutions

The Dark Night of the Soul: Part 2. Dark, too dark to see.

3 min read

I will keep trudging onwards. Moving forward into the darkness. I am not afraid of the dark, not me, someone who has owned the night so many times. The darkness is my friend I keep telling myself, I have used it to my advantage on more than one occasion. As this dark night wears on the fatigue sets in. Fatigue is ok, I have been here before too, I can push on, I can push harder. Something is different about this fatigue though, something strange and unfamiliar. It feels strange, this fatigue has almost a frightening level of depth to it that I cannot comprehend. Just keep pushing through it, it will be ok. It’s weird because it’s new.

I don’t know what time it is but it’s still very dark, darker than usual, even when I drift off in my mind it is dark there too. I can’t block it out for some reason. Nietzsche said “he who has a why can bear almost any how”. The darkness has crept into my head, into all of my thoughts. I don’t remember what my “why” is any anymore? My thoughts are full of nothing but darkness. Filled with eternal darkness now but empty at the same time. Maybe it is for the best I can’t really see more than a couple of feet in front of me now. Maybe this dark night is filled with things that I don’t want to see.

This pack is getting really heavy now. I can’t for some reason put it down though. My shoulders hurt, my back hurts, and my feet hurt. Just keep going even though you can’t see where that is. If I could just take a knee for a minute and get rid of some of the stuff in this pack? The pack is filled with pain, pain I have carried around with me for a long time, some of it all of my life. Take a knee and sort out this pack, then get up and keep going. Rummaging through my pack, item after item I want to discard but I can’t. Keep rummaging, you will surely find something you can discard. Almost in a panic now, what can I get rid of? Every item in this pack represents pain of some level. I want to let it all go but I can’t. The pain of going through these items is more unbearable than the weight of carrying them. The pain of removing these things from the pack appears that it may worse again than the pain of carrying it all, it shouldn’t be but it is…

I slowly rise to my feet, a little shuffle when I am fully upright end settles my pack and for a moment it doesn’t hurt. There is it again, burning in my shoulders, my back and feet. It stings all over, my chest is tight from the weight now trying to drag me backwards. I guess it’s time to get moving again. Why am I walking now? I don’t know where I am going and it is getting darker every minute, not just outside but in my head too. I am alone in silence. It is dry and it is hot. Every now and then a little breeze carries familiar sounds of the past. I feel like they are coming from my pack? Surely I am just imagining this, I am just tired now. This might be easier if I had an objective, I just don’t know what that is anymore. I guess continuing to walk in the darkness is better now than facing the reality of sorting through my pack.

Keep going, walk through the pain, you know you can. You have done it for years.

But it’s getting dark, too dark to see….

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