The Battle of Perpetuity
Am I doing the right thing? Am I spending my time wisely? What else could I be doing instead? Should I be doing those things in place of what I am currently doing? Was the right choice made? How will I know if it is, in fact, correct? Do I deserve to be correct, to succeed? How could I possibly deserve success? I know what I am, and if what I am is deserving of success then what does that say of those who I consider successful? What would success even look like, truly?
This discussion occurs nearly every day within my mind, regardless of the days content and happenings. There are few exceptions to this habit. These exceptions, which will be explored and used as evidence of the antidote to such thoughts; Thoughts that can lead you down the road to your own personal Hell. But let’s not put the cart before the horse. Referring to this regular occurrence as a discussion would be a fallacy.
This… conveyor belt… of thoughts, one after another after another, jumping straight to the next with no time to mount a defense and counter-attack, this is the opening salvo of the fight for my Self for the day. The participants of this battle? I am not entirely sure. This would be a question for the psychologists, philosophers, and theologians. Myself however, rightly or wrongly, I must proceed on the working assumption that it would seem to be my consciousness’s representations of chaos and order. Despair and hope. And in the initial onslaught, Chaos is only buttressed to the degree of Order’s previous day’s victory. To make sense of it is quite challenging and indeed the ultimate aim of these words. I proceed with the selfish motive of better understanding the workings of my mind and with the understanding that I am most assuredly not alone in this battle, as it must be waged within the realm of the individual to a large degree.
The very structure of this thought-process is where I will begin the deconstruction. The “conveyor belt” starts in the morning. Regardless of the day’s plan, the questioning unfolds. Whether it is during the commute to work, or getting dressed for a workout or the day’s activities, the questions of Chaos arrive in all their accusatory, piercing, all-too-accurate coldness. They come quick and in full force. If Order is able to find a gap and mount a counter-offensive, Chaos counters by switching the angle of inquiry and increasing the speed of questions. The rapid succession of the “unknowing” is itself serving as the main bulk of the force of and for Chaos.
Order is forced to then re-double it’s efforts by countering the new line of questioning with reassurances, reassurances of the decisions made in the previous minutes, hours, days, months, years. As a highway may serve a defending Army in speeding its forces to the front, once that line is broken, that very highway is used to the purposes of the attackers in cutting down the fleeing defenders, speeding into the interior of the now broken defenders. The very decisions which serve as the counter to Chaos also serve as Chaos’s method of entry into the nexus of my Being.
A parasitic relationship no doubt. Cancerous. Hijacking the mechanism of being and turning it into a means of spreading darkness, doubt, and hatred. Hatred not of the world, but of the Self. While this may not be the root of all evil, I have a staggeringly powerful suspicion this phenomenon has been the root of very many evil deeds.
How do I fight this beast of my very own creation, a creation that looks to rip apart its own host and drag all it can down into the depths of a personalized Hell?
Faith in Action.
Three words. The three words matter, yes, but it is the depth of meaning that we must create of our own accord and will. Otherwise, these three words shall be shattered into oblivion upon initial contact with the first questions of Chaos. Psychologist Dr. Carl Jung said “Modern man can’t see God because he doesn’t look low enough.” I believe this is what I am working through developing an understanding of here. It is the actions of small proportions that, when pursued truly, provide the counter to the dark. It is that workout you did after work that, even though it did not consist of much, did consist of SOMETHING. And something is more than nothing. The completion of two household chores that have been put off for weeks were, in fact, productive. Yes, there are still countless more, but now there are two less! Dragging myself to Jiu Jitsu after a day on the range in the cold once a week is still training Jiu Jitsu. Something is better than nothing. Momentum is a powerful force. One that can and should be harnessed when present. For all too many, it is not an option. Faith in action is the jump-start to stillness. Faith in the belief that action, when truly believed in, will lead to improvements and lead to counters to chaos. Most likely, not in the ways you initially thought, for what do you know, but faith that the future CAN BE GOOD.
These are simple examples from my life. You know EXACTLY how this applies to your life. There is no need to pose hypotheticals, for already you have filled it in for yourself. And that is the evidence of the power and effectiveness of this counter, this answer to the Chaos.
There is no end to this battle. For it does not end when you end. It continues, carried on by those who you surrounded yourself. For some this battle may occur on a different timeframe than myself, weekly or monthly as opposed to daily. But I could most definitely be incorrect. Regardless, the internal questioning and battle of Chaos and Order must be present, otherwise we become all of one thing… nothing. It is the battle itself, the Battle of Perpetuity, which serves as the very ground upon which we build our world.
What we are doing when we are doing what we know to be true is the most God-like we humans can become. We are creating the very world in which we exist. We are creating! The ultimate trait of all the Gods. But we are not Gods. And that highway can be used for both good and evil. Create order out of your internal chaos. For it is far better than the inverse and alternative. Far better for yourself, for myself, for our communities, for the world. Nothing is too small to be meaningless when it is your faithful creation.