SELF ABUSE. We’ve all been there before, right? Traveling through some old ancient towns without company. How funny that a man can be surrounded by a million men and yet still feel alone though solitude can simultaneously make a man feel connected to the world. In my dark room my ears pricked up to the music coming through my window. I heard words spoken melodiously, and sounds which felt like an electric fire. They launched into my soul and woke my heart like a radio charged with unlimited energy and allowed healing in my erratic journey to continue. The mechanics of my mind worked even if there wasn’t a connection of my soul to my brain stem. It was enough to get me moving from one lover to another and track backwards to my origin. Who the hell was I going to damage next? Guzzle hundreds of pints and devour a thousand crisps trying to figure it out. A million miles away. A busker singing an acapella Country Roads song with such fever alerted me to the simple fact that my life had worth and I missed home. A day later my face was savaged by a few drunks and every blow I landed upon them came coiled within it my own hatred for the world; bullets filled with black powder loaded by my anger. Sometimes we walk away from the light and go into the dark. Sometimes we must break things and be broken in order to reveal the hidden treasure glowing inside ourselves. How crippling to think about someone you lost, and the moments that won’t come back, and the relationship you couldn’t develop because death took them away. Peace seems to vanish and all that replaces that hole is pain and the only thing that removes the hurt is purpose. Recollecting how valuable they were and what good they contributed to your life hurts but heals. Love is never extinguished and their value is never diminished and the pain sometimes feels just like a dull throbbing ache that doesn’t disappear but won’t posses the heart completely any longer. If you’ve got someone love them with a mature passion and you’ll have no regrets. Try to be happy for the time you had together.
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