I have intimately known the depths of despair, darkness, brokenness, helplessness, torn, confused, begging God to take me because I am too much of a coward to take myself.

To walk and live and breathe, my pulse the only difference between a corpse. Dead inside and to life, cut off, distant and isolated. A self inflicted punishment and jail cell. Trapped inside my self, peering out the window of my body as I see this broken man that is not me ruin my life’s work, all that I fought and  bled for, cried for, loved, and built with my hands. Helpless to the horror show, as watching a movie unfolds screaming for them to not open that door, don’t make that choice, don’t make that mistake, don’t ruin your life.

So was my fate, to one day wake and as if the aftermath of a hurricane or shelled out city in war, so was I to walk among the rubble of my life. Now to live, one nail and hammer at a time rebuilding all I lost, one piece of trash at a time to clear the debris of my own destruction, one thing at a time, one breath, one sleep, one wake, as to not be overwhelmed by the vastness of its rubbled destruction…

But I shall not be angry, I shall not be bitter, I shall not be cold, I shall not take on the burden of a man I once was but I am not. I am whole and healed, clear of mind and understanding; when the worlds critics stand in wonder and mock how I stand up, tall, with my head blooded but unbowed, shoulders back and peace upon my face…

And when they look upon me and say: “look at you, how, why don’t you die and give up.” I shall say ….

“Oh…But, I LOVE.”

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